Eve Rodsky's Fair Play Method is a system for change aimed at helping couples distribute domestic responsibilities more equitably and reduce the invisible labor often carried by one partner, usually women. The method introduces four rules and categorizes 100 household tasks into a card game, encouraging partners to take full ownership of tasks. For each task, the goal is to set a minimum standard of care (MSC), which sets baseline expectations for how each task should be completed, effectively reducing misunderstandings and ensuring consistency. Once a task is assigned and MSC is agreed on, then the task is broken down into phases of conception, planning, and execution (CPE). The assigned partner is responsible for all three phases of CPE, ensuring thorough and accountable completion.

Eve has been teaching this method to thousands of couples over the past decade and I am one of the Fair Play Facilitators trained by her team. She says it often takes about 2 years to fully implement with a dedicated, iterative change on a consistent basis. Alyssa and I have been implementing for almost 2 years now and are still working on implementation. Our relationship has changed considerably since I first read the Fair Play book, understood mental load and started implementing the principles of the method. We are much better equipped to have tough conversations about the roles and expectations around the home. Most importantly, instead of having frequent hurtful arguments, we are now able to deal with resentments early and often.

I talk about this in-depth in the second half of the Mental Load 101 guide above this section. The main challenge for most families is for the man to embrace this as it is not congruent with the patriarchal, capitalist culture we live. Most men (including myself) were born into this culture without seeing it, and we don't realize the subliminal rules that govern our thinking. The truth is, men also feel pain around this subject. The main pain points that men have confided in me are:

-He doesn't feel appreciated

-He doesn't feel confident with domestic labor

-He doesn't feel seen in his efforts

In order to have a successful conversation around this, you will need to come from a place of compassion and try to stand in your partner's shoes. This conversation will require emotional labor, which I know you are already doing given that you are reading this. But this will require an extra layer of empathy and forgiveness to even begin to create an equal playing field. Both of you don't feel seen, heard, or appreciated. You'll have to speak to this for your partner to start to hear you and see you and eventually fully appreciate you. Inviting your partner to implement the Fair Play Method will improve these 3 pain points. I'm a living embodiment of this transformation.